Sun vs. Snow: Pitch and First 250 W﻿ords Honing Help

Sun vs. Snow: Pitch and First 250 Words Honing Help

2/16/2015

Michelle Hauck and Amy Trueblood are hosting a critique workshop/blog hop for anyone who would like peer review of their query and first 250 words.

Thanks for any and all feedback.

Title: CHASE
Genre: YA Action/Suspense
Word Count: 46,500

35-WORD PITCH:

When seventeen-year-old Eric becomes an unwitting passenger in a high-speed police pursuit, he learns his driver—a childhood friend whose sudden disappearance he never understood or forgave--isn't seeking redemption but . . . revenge.

FIRST 250 WORDS:

BMW 328i
Odometer Reading: 11,351 miles
Gas Tank: Ninety percent full

9:27pm

Don’t take rides with strangers.

It wasn’t like my mom was big on imparting wisdom.  Her motherly advice went something along the lines of, “Stay the hell out of the way, Eric.” Or her classic, “Try to be more like your brother, why don’t you?”  But this seemed like standard parental stuff.

Don’t take a ride with a stranger.

But he wasn’t a stranger, really. I was ninety-nine percent sure he was in my sixth period ceramics class. Sat in the back, by the door.  When he bothered to show up to ceramics class.  Pretty sure everybody called him Lobo. Even the teachers.

Lobo. Wolf. Weird name. Still, if I knew he went by Lobo, he wasn’t a stranger, right?

Plus, it was either risk a two-mile ride home with this sorta stranger or hold a wall up at this P.O.S. party until Braden realized that Micaela was never going to make out with him, no matter how much time he spent in his dad’s garage doing chin-ups.

“Thanks, man,” I said, pulling the door of the BMW closed and settling back into the tan leather seats.

Sweet ride. A BMW 328—newer model.  Funny, though.  Not the car I would have pictured Lobo driving. Maybe it was his mom’s. Or dad’s. It could be his cousin’s-girlfriend’s-uncle’s for all I cared.  If it meant I didn’t have to walk home in this chilly, drippy California spring night, then I was all good.

15 Comments

Lora Palmer link

2/16/2015 11:51:58 pm

You had me hooked at the pitch. It's got me curious why this guy the MC knows from school wants revenge. In the first 250, I think you've done a good job establishing the MC's voice and a bit about his home life. Awesome job! The last sentence could maybe be sharpened a little. I'm not sure about the "I was all good."

Maybe "it was all good" or "fine by me?"

Best of luck with this! :)

Erin

2/18/2015 11:50:07 am

Thank you--appreciate the encouragement so much and the feedback.

Gloria Chao link

2/17/2015 06:16:37 am

The pitch is intriguing. I did get a little tripped up by the "sudden disapperance." It took me a minute to put together that he had disappeared in the past, but was now returning . For a second, my thoughts went to the fantastical (like ghosts or souls or something). Maybe I've just been reading a lot in that genre, but maybe changing "sudden" to "past" could help?
Other than that, the pitch piqued my interest and I want to see more. Great job!
For a contest, consider tweaking the first 250 to include more action. Perhaps take out some of the backstory to make room for whatever comes next. For example, the first paragraph can be trimmed.
I like the details like "Lobo. Wolf." and the clear picture you paint of him in such a short amount of space.
Good luck with the process!

Erin link

2/18/2015 11:51:17 am

Comment deleted

Erin

2/18/2015 11:54:03 am

Thanks, Gloria. I like the idea of adding more action in the opening paragraphs. Great suggestion.

Rose Black link

2/17/2015 06:24:31 am

Nice pitch. I think it says just enough to grab my attention and pull me in.

I instantly get a good feeling for the family dynamic in the first paragraph. I think if you're going to keep both the lines in italics, they should be the same to reinforce the point. Otherwise, you can probably lose the second one.

Pretty sure - I think you could change this to I think, to get rid of the repeat of sure.

pulling the door of the BMW closed - I think this is fairly needless. You could just say I said, setting into the tan leather seat of the BMW. Keeps things moving faster.

I like your main character's voice and you do a great job most of the time of the painting a vivid picture succinctly. The opening does feel like it's contradicting the pitch a little as Lobo doesn't seem to be a friend

Erin

2/18/2015 11:52:54 am

Thanks, Rose. This is very helpful. I like your wording suggestions.

Angela link

2/18/2015 07:27:40 am

Hi,
Thanks for letting me read your work.

First thoughts:
The word count is a bit low. This reads like upper YA so you should be closer to 60+ k.

I'm not a big fan of starting out with:

BMW 328i
Odometer Reading: 11,351 miles
Gas Tank: Ninety percent full

9:27pm

Don’t take rides with strangers.

This is my preference, but I don't like scenes setup this way. I much prefer to go directly in the MC's thoughts. You do a good job of this with "..he wasn’t a stranger, really." In fact, I might start out with that line.

He wasn't a stranger, really. - It hooks the reader immediately.

Just my $.02

I look forward to reading more!

Angela #40

Erin

2/18/2015 11:57:12 am

Hey, Angela, thanks for your $.02. :) Always appreciated. I probably do need to think about my MC's thoughts more in these paragraphs.

Amelinda link

2/18/2015 10:51:46 am

Hi there - #41 here, thanks for your comments on my post!

Great concept, promises a nice fast-paced read.

-Pitch-
"Unwitting" trips my eye a bit (he might get into it unknowing, but I'm guessing what's going on becomes apparent pretty quickly) - maybe would work better as an adverb ("unwittingly becomes...")?
I'd leave out the ellipsis points; "revenge" is a strong enough concept without the extra emphasis.

-250-
Agree that the family dynamic jumps into sharp relief right away, but find myself confused as to what exactly you're saying in the opening paragraph - did his mom not tell him "don't take rides with strangers," but it's plain common sense? Or is this something so obvious in its common sense that even his mother managed to tell him this?

Wonder if there shouldn't be a line or two of dialogue with Lobo here; he must have said something. Does he remember Eric too?

Suggest rephrasing:

Weird name. Still, if I knew [his name,] he wasn’t a stranger, right?

Erin

2/18/2015 11:58:42 am

Hey, Amelinda, Thanks so much for your questions.It helps me see things I need to address. Much appreciated!

Diana Hicks link

2/19/2015 12:08:01 am

Love the voice and the pitch. The first page is great too. I can sense that the action is coming so I was okay with starting off slow. The stats at the top were confusing though. Consider weaving that into his inner monologue. I spent way too much time trying to figure out why it was there. Good luck!

Karrie link

2/19/2015 06:37:00 am

#48 here!

Fantastic pitch. Solid, tight. The only thing I would suggest is working in a twist, or a detail that makes it jump out from another revenge story. What was the circumstance of the disappearance? What does he want revenge for? But I think the unwitting passenger/past disappearance thing is pretty good.

Is 46.5k a little on the short side for YA?

First 250: LOVE this voice. Fresh, young, and the opening is perfect. Only nitpicky comments here, but you've got it down. Seriously.

1) Not sure what the first "Don’t take rides with strangers." part is supposed to be. The opening details are clearly going to track where they are on their journey, but is she writing a diary or something? Or is this the chapter header? Either way, it doesn't match word-for-word with "Don’t take a ride with a stranger.", which is confusing

2) Repeated elements: "Gas Tank: Ninety percent full" and "I was ninety-nine percent sure". "BMW 328i" versus "A BMW 328—newer model. ". And the aforementioned strangers quote. I would clean that up, it feels repetitive to see so many things twice within 250 words.

3) "no matter how much time he spent in his dad’s garage doing chin-ups." Love this - as a minor detail, a physical example of what he's trying to do to impress her at the party, whether he's doing chin-ups off window frames or showing off his bulging muscles, would drive this home stronger.

If you're looking for a critique partner and would be down to read YA sci-fi, let me know!

Melissa Menten link

2/19/2015 06:48:08 am

Wow, Erin, love the premise and the voice! I'm #43 on the blog hop.

Pitch: My only suggestion is tiny-change "his driver" to "the driver."

250: I'm torn. I like the info you relay in the opening paragraphs, we learn his mom isn't very good/doesn't care much for him and he has a brother that's favored, and his name is Eric. But it's kind of telling and "He wasn't a stranger, really." could be the opener. On the other hand, I like the foreshadowing that you have as is. We'd still get that Lobo is somewhat of a stranger, but not as much of the element of danger. Other than that, I suggest you insert "my friend," before Braden. Great premise and opening-I'd read more.

Kamerhe Lane link

2/19/2015 12:23:29 pm

Thanks for sharing this with me! I hope my comments are useful. Let me know if you have any questions. Leave a comment on my blog: https://kamerhesthebestthingsince.wordpress.com/

Pitch
+ Nice, tight writing. Very clear. Very intriguing!!
+ Have you considered it without the ellipsis?

First 250
+ AHHHH! I love the odometer and gas tank reading! Such a great ticking time bomb.
+ Shouldn’t it be “went something like” OR “was something along the lines of”…? Maybe that’s just me.
+ First paragraph last line + second paragraph (only line)---Just a suggestion…but how about: But, “Don’t take a ride with a stranger”—that seemed like standard parental stuff.
+ RE: suggestion above—You’ve got the other mom quotes in direct quotes, so why not do the same with the ride-with-a-stranger advice?
+ Loving your use of short sentences—makes for really nice voice! But you might consider changing the second “sure” in the third paragraph for a synonymous idea.
+ I felt a little jolted into the present with the car and everything between paragraph five and six. Is there something you could add to smooth that out? Because…seriously, everything else is soooo good!
+ “Not the car I would have pictured Lobo driving”—I really wanted to know why he couldn’t picture him in it

I really love this. The pitch is enticing and the first page makes me want to read more. I love the voice. So effortless! I would love to see this go places. Good luck!

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